Sunday, 12 October 2008

• Retro-Replay #7: "I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey!"

  It all begins innocently enough. Little Joey is putting away his books after a busy day at school, his squeaky-clean smile and unconscionably adorable appearance evidence that the weight of the world hasn't quite crushed his spirit just yet. But poor Joey is in for a rude awakening -- a predator is on the loose. Yes, a predator. An evil, seething, raptorious consumer of souls walking amongst the children looking for a fresh young mind to corrupt.

  Enter: the leather jacket.

   

  Confirming the widely held belief that pot smokers are taller, older, more evil versions of the average American pre-teen -- a notion made concrete by the wearing of the eternally evil leather jacket -- Joey's doppelganger (we'll call him Evil Joey) promptly breaks out a trio of joints and invites Good Joey to dig in.

  The boy hesitates. His parents, his teachers and his television set have all told him to stay well away from the stuff. His whole future might depend on this very decision: on the one hand, a tough but spiritually fulfilling life of hard work, honest living and meaningful relationships. And on the other, an existence dotted with visits from local law enforcement, empty Cheetos bags and an uncontrollable desire to listen to Grateful Dead records. Evil Joey senses the fright and confusion in the young boy's voice and does what any self respecting thirteen-year-old dope dealer would do. He starts clucking like a chicken.

  

  Switch focus to the Ninja Turtles, who are talking to a classroom full of carpet crawlers. "Joey's in a jam. What should he do?" Get a teacher? Get a pizza? Hightail it the **** out of there? Donatello can only pray Good Joey is smart enough to do the right thing as we segue back to the school hallway, where a staunch and determined young Joey slams his locker shut and says to his clucking tormentor, "I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey!"

  And with that Good Joey brushes past a profoundly befuddled Evil Joey who, we are to assume, will now think long and hard about the possible consequences of wearing a leather jacket in public. Thank you, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! Thank you, Ninja Turtles! Where would we be without you?

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